The First Christmas Without Someone You Love: How to Get Through It
Updated: 1 day ago
Gentle, practical guidance for navigating Christmas after bereavement.
Facing your first Christmas after someone dies can feel overwhelming. It may help to make a flexible plan, tell people what feels manageable and give yourself permission to change traditions—or keep the ones that matter to you.
You might choose to:
Spend time with people who understand, with the option to leave early.
Keep one familiar tradition and simplify the rest.
Include a photograph, a remembrance decoration or a favourite story, if that feels comforting.
Decide which invitations to accept without committing to everything.
Leave room to change your mind on the day.
There is no right way to spend this Christmas. You don’t have to make it joyful, but you don’t have to feel guilty if moments of enjoyment arrive either.
The suggestions below offer ways to approach family expectations, traditions and difficult moments without asking more of yourself than you can manage.
You don't have to celebrate Christmas the way you always have
One of the hardest things about the first Christmas after a bereavement can be the expectations surrounding it.
Family traditions.
Invitations.
Christmas dinner arrangements.
The familiar question of where everyone will be spending the day.
People may encourage you to keep everything the same, believing that familiarity will bring comfort.
Others might suggest doing something completely different.
But neither approach is necessarily right for you.
You might want to keep every tradition because those familiar rituals help you feel connected to the person you've lost.
Or you might find that sitting around the same table, eating the same meal and following the same routines makes their absence feel unbearable.
You are allowed to change Christmas.
You can have a smaller gathering.
You can spend the day somewhere different.
You can choose not to put up decorations.
You can decide that Christmas dinner will be something simple this year.
And you can change your mind.
The way you spend one Christmas does not have to determine how you spend every Christmas that follows.
Make a plan, but give yourself permission to change it
Sometimes, the anticipation of Christmas Day can feel more difficult than the day itself.
You may spend weeks imagining how painful certain moments will be.
Waking up without them.
Opening presents.
Sitting down for dinner.
Hearing a particular Christmas song.
It can help to make a gentle plan beforehand.
Not a rigid timetable, but a few decisions that remove some of the pressure.
Think about where you would feel most comfortable spending the day.
Consider who you genuinely want around you.
Decide whether there are traditions you'd like to keep and others you'd prefer to leave behind.
And perhaps most importantly, think about what you might need if the day becomes overwhelming.
Could you take a quiet walk?
Spend an hour alone?
Leave a gathering early?
Ask someone you trust to stay nearby?
Having a way to step away can make difficult situations feel more manageable.
You don't have to commit to being somewhere from morning until evening.
And you don't have to explain every decision.
Talk to your family before Christmas Day
When a family is grieving, everyone may have different feelings about Christmas.
One person might desperately want everything to remain familiar.
Another might find those same traditions too painful.
Children may be excited about Christmas while also missing someone terribly.
And sometimes, these different needs can create tension at a time when everyone is already struggling.
Try to have a conversation before the day arrives.
You might say:
"I know Christmas is going to feel different this year. I think it would help if we talked about what we'd all feel comfortable doing."
Ask what matters most to each person.
Perhaps someone wants to keep a particular tradition.
Perhaps someone else would rather not talk about Christmas at all.
You may not find an arrangement that feels perfect for everyone.
But understanding each other's needs can make it easier to approach the day with kindness.
And remember that nobody needs to grieve in exactly the same way.
Find a place for the person you're missing
One of the most difficult feelings at Christmas can be the sense that someone who was once at the centre of everything is no longer included.
Their name may not appear on presents.
Their familiar place at the table may be empty.
The little jobs they always did may now belong to someone else.
For some people, finding a small way to include their memory can bring comfort.
Light a candle.
Prepare something they particularly loved.
Place a photograph somewhere meaningful.
Or simply speak their name.
Perhaps there was a Christmas film they always insisted on watching.
A favourite song.
A terrible Christmas joke they told every year.
Those memories are still part of your family story.
You don't need to create an elaborate remembrance ritual.
And you certainly don't need to do anything that feels too painful.
Sometimes, the smallest acknowledgement can be enough.
For more ideas, you might find our guide, Thoughtful Ways to Remember Someone You Love, helpful.
Don't feel guilty if you enjoy yourself
This is something many grieving people struggle with.
You might find yourself laughing at something funny.
Enjoying a lovely meal.
Feeling genuinely happy watching children open their presents.
And then, almost immediately, experiencing a wave of guilt.
How can you be enjoying Christmas when someone you love isn't here?
But experiencing a moment of happiness does not mean you've forgotten them.
It doesn't mean you miss them any less.
And it doesn't mean your grief has disappeared.
You can miss someone desperately and still find pleasure in parts of your life.
You can feel sadness and happiness within the same hour.
Sometimes within the same few minutes.
Grief doesn't require you to remain unhappy to prove the depth of your love.
And you don't have to choose between remembering someone and allowing yourself to enjoy the people who are still here.
Both can have a place.
Be prepared for the ordinary moments
We often imagine that the hardest part of Christmas will be the big occasions.
Christmas morning.
Dinner.
The moment everyone raises a glass.
But sometimes it's the smallest things that catch us unexpectedly.
Finding their favourite chocolates in the supermarket.
Hearing a song you always sang together.
Taking the decorations out of the loft and discovering something they wrapped carefully away last January.
Or reaching for your phone to tell them something before remembering that you can't.
These moments can arrive without warning.
If they do, try not to judge yourself for how you respond.
You might cry.
You might smile at the memory.
You might feel angry that something so ordinary has become so difficult.
Or you might feel very little at all.
There is no correct reaction.
And there is no requirement to turn every painful moment into something positive.
Sometimes, something is simply sad.
You can acknowledge that without needing to make it better.
It's all right to say no
Christmas can bring a great deal of social pressure.
Invitations to parties.
Family gatherings.
Christmas lunches.
People encouraging you to get out because they think it will help.
Their intentions may be kind.
But you are the person who has to live through the day.
If an invitation feels overwhelming, you can decline it.
If you would prefer a short visit rather than a whole afternoon, say so.
You might explain:
"Thank you so much for including me. I'm finding the thought of Christmas quite difficult this year, so I'm keeping things simple. I hope you understand."
You don't need to offer a longer explanation.
Equally, if being around people feels helpful, allow yourself that companionship.
There is no rule that says grieving people should spend Christmas quietly or alone.
Choose what feels most manageable for you.
Look after yourself in small, practical ways
Grief can be exhausting.
And Christmas often adds extra demands at a time when you may already have very little energy.
Shopping, cooking, travelling and making arrangements can all feel more difficult than usual.
Try to make things easier where you can.
Buy something ready-made instead of cooking everything yourself.
Accept an offer of help.
Keep some familiar routines around sleeping and eating.
Take a walk if being outside helps you.
Step away from social media if the endless images of happy families become too much.
You don't need to create a wonderful Christmas.
You only need to find a way through it that feels possible.
And if you're finding your grief particularly difficult to manage, reaching out for additional support can help.
Organisations such as Cruse Bereavement Support and Marie Curie offer bereavement information and support.
You don't have to manage everything alone.
Remember that Christmas isn't a test of how well you're coping
Perhaps the most important thing to understand is that Christmas is not a measure of your progress through grief.
If you cry throughout the day, it doesn't mean you're failing.
If you choose to spend it alone, it doesn't mean you're withdrawing from life.
If you enjoy yourself, it doesn't mean you're moving on from the person you love.
And if you decide to ignore Christmas completely this year, that's your choice too.
There is no perfect way to spend the first Christmas after someone dies.
There is only the way that feels possible for you.
Next Christmas may be different.
Or it may feel much the same.
You don't need to work that out now.
One Christmas at a time
When someone you love dies, so much of life becomes divided into before and after.
Christmas is one of those occasions when that division can feel particularly clear.
There was the Christmas you knew.
The people who were there.
The traditions you shared.
The life that felt familiar.
And now there is a Christmas you never imagined having to face.
You don't have to pretend that it is the same.
You don't have to make it magical.
You don't even have to make it memorable.
You can simply let it be what it is.
A day that may contain sadness, love, memories, loneliness, laughter or moments of unexpected comfort.
A day when someone you love is missing.
And a day when the love you shared with them still matters.
Be gentle with yourself.
You only have to find your way through this Christmas.
One day at a time.
A little remembrance at Christmas
Sometimes, a small keepsake can provide a meaningful way to acknowledge someone who is missing.
At Words Worth Keeping, our Christmas remembrance decorations are created to honour the people whose love remains part of our lives.
Not because a decoration can take away grief.
But because remembering someone can be a quiet and beautiful part of Christmas.
About the author
Written by Di Goddard, founder of Words Worth Keeping. Drawing on her own experience of bereavement, Di writes about finding words, supporting someone through grief and remembering the people we love.
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